Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward

[social gathering]

guy: wow, you work in an ER?

me: yep

guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?

me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit

Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise

Date: So what’s your backstory?

Me: Arthritis.

Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?

My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.

in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there

My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself

Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.

When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”

Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah!

[After spending a week with me]

Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?

Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible

Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.

For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.

Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?

mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10

me: ok

[later]

me: hey grandma

grandma: hello dear

me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842

Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.

You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.

My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one

[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok

Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.

Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.

*pets unicorn*

the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face