ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
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My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
More like Kate Missington.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”