Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things

the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all

kids: oh no

wife: oh no

parents: oh no

me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO

[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]

ugh, overcooked

Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.

Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance

i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”

parenting is not for the faint of heart

. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.

My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.

*slams a five on the counter*

“Bartender! Give me another!”

*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*

scared to check what name she chose

I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”

My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.

I almost dropped my Walkman.

“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?

My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.

I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”

My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.

The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white

H: where did you move after your divorce?

Me: On.
I moved on.

*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”

If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys

A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.

Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.

Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.

Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.

Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing

Vampire: I can bite you…

Me: Sweet!

Vampire: … and give you eternal life!

Me: Stop threatening me!

Shhh!
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-Librarians arguing

Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers

Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…