Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.

When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.

Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.

I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me

I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…

NEVER. AGAIN.

We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.

[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]

Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*

Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.

[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla

The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.

And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

This staff meeting could have been a haiku.

My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!

*cooks on front burner of the stove*

I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch

He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”

She: “Halloween mode?”

He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”

#Halloween #RubbishJokes

*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone

*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this

perfect

My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.

I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”

Peaches is our dog.

This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.

Frog: WAKE ME UP!

Snake: Wake me up inside!

Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]

Him: How old is your child?

Me: Child?

People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know

Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”

People: wait no, why are you like that

Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?

Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing