Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”

911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?

“AAAH he ripped my arm off”

911: Which one did, sir

Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning

The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy

He loved it so much he walked himself up.

Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.

How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?

Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.

Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!

Me:

Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”

Guys which shade of gery should I get

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?

Me: 22.

Wife: How many with witnesses?

Me: Almost 1.

Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year

“Don’t take this wrong but…”

Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.

Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol

Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?

A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.

When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…

wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔

[job interview]

BOSS: biggest weakness?

ME: I never know when to quit

BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired

ME: I quit

the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.

My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”

And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant

You know for a fact Wolverine is the designated onion dicer at X-mansion while Nightcrawler takes the trash out.

*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

Note to self:

Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”