me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
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this is so top tier i cant
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*