Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

584.

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?

My wife asked me, “How do I look?”

I said, “With your eyes.”

I almost lost mine.

one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun

I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.

[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked.

The heaviest things in the world:

4) iron

3) lead

2) tungsten

1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

How to dress when you are a woman over forty:

1. Be a woman over forty

2. Put your clothes on

I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

Therapist: What is your greatest fear

Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life

Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*

20’s: You can eat whatever you want.

30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.

40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.

Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.

When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”

My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.

Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?

Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car

Stranger: Your children are angels

Me: So was the devil

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.

Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.

[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you

[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.

People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors

My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

boss: you’re late

me: and you are not the father

My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

FRIEND: do you drive stick?

ME: no I drive car.