Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon

-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.

I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”

[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!

Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.

My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.

Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.

him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?

still him: oh dude, that’s my bong

No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.

Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.

Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair

GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this

Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.

[post sex]

Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad

Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon

So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.

Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them

Birds & Planes.

Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear

If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know

Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?

The opposite of Iceland is water water

Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.

Friend: Including you?

Me: Actually, scratch that idea.

this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.

Why?

How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight

Related – I never babysit

My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”

It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently