Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Causes of childhood anxiety:

4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs

JUMP

ING

UP

AND

DOWN

ON

THE

TRAMP

O

LINE

OUT

SIDE

YOUR

WIN

DOW

IS

NOT

HOW

I

WANT

ED

TO

BREAK

UP

WITH

YOU

KAR

EN

i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”

As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren

*family reunion*

– flirting shouldn’t be this easy

When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.

Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭

Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there

I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding

On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.

Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.

*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*

My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?

Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair

My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat

Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets

Me: well look who’s come crawling back

Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.

Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball

Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.

Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.

Mob Boss: Who do they got?

Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.

Both: Oh shit.

🤷🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️😩

*Pokes the bear just to feel alive

*Bear uses bear spray on me

Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”

I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest

First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.

intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?

“Dad, what’s a forklift?”

“Food, usually.”

Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”

I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.