Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.

Dyslexics are teople poo!

Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it

“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs

If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…

3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.

embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh

Considering “natural” childbirth?

You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.

I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.

Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.

Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.

Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”

normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son

ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911

PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written

What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool

The doctor asked the 3s what their favorite vegetable was at their physical today.
3B told him bananas.
3A told him cheese.

Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.

That’s me in a nutshell.

You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.

A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves

*adds pineapple to your lasagna*

Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does

probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.

Guy: Which way is left?

Me: *points to the right*

Guy: What is a horn for?

Me: Jazz

Guy: Where does gasoline go?

Me: *points to my tummy*

Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*