Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
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More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”