Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.

Eg:

Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force

just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc

Me: *eating turkey*

Cartographer: My work!

My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.

Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.

Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.

Them: your child is skipping a nap today.

Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”

Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?

Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕

We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident

Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.

[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]

Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!

“Toilet paper?!”

I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.

my dog: chomp, chomp

me: hey what’s in your mouth

my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM

Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.

at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked

(hours before leaving on a road trip)

You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.

accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar

Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.

If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”

Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.

Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away

My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.

Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”

It was a broom! 😂🤣

Years ago I went to a job placement agency.

I left disappointed.

Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.

When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”

Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being

[first date]

HER: i’m really into guys-

ME (eager to impress her): me too