me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
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A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.