Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“And what did you bring home this week?”

– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.

Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.

Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there

My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate

Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.

Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.

Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses

In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”

My neighbor complained that he couldn’t afford his water bill. So I got him a get well soon card.

My one-year-old niece has started saying “bye-bye” when she wants people to leave. Honestly, I’ve never been so influenced by a toddler before

Me: are you going to be a better listener?

Pause

5: maybe is the best I can do

Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom

Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake

ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked

Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are

Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?

You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I’m just as confused as you are.

Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader

My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks

I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?

What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.

Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?

Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?

If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank