Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woman: I love a man with an accent

Mán: Well hello there

Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant

Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…

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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.

Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?

I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.

This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone

ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate

COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly

ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here

genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more

Grabs intercom:

ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS

I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter

Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.

If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.

Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

Person: I really DO want your honest advice

Me: NO you don’t

P: I DO

Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out

P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?

Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.

me: how do i use this inhaler?

doctor: you suck.

me: i’m trying sorry

imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name

If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.

I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.

The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.

Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.

10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.

You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.

Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*