Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Runs across campus to get to class on time*

Whew! I made it!

*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*

Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.

*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE

WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.

CHEF: Thank you.

ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai

Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?

Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.

me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?

dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.

no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!

Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.

My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.

If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches

me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]

guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy

[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket

Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*

I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.

35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.

I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.

product manager: what color should we make the bottle

guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine

Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar

Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*

Neighbor: how was your quarantine?

Me: quarantine?

Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs

HER: DM me later, okay?

ME: Okay.

*later*

ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?

I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.

I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?

Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!

they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”