Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.

Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”

Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.

having a job is cool but everydayyy???

Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.

Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey

[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]

all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER

sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”

*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac

Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays

spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?

I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…

Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?

Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.

No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.

[buys a single banana]

87,000,000 fruit flies.

[heist]

Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe

Thief: well?

Me: omg…

[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]

I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.

[at work during the pandemic]

BOSS: omg what the hell

ME: I’m wearing the damn mask

BOSS: why down there though

I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.

Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.

[Inventor of the plow]

I’m gonna stab that field

Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.

Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?

Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*

my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter

I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.

Barber: What would you like today?

Me: Make me look attractive.

Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!