Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
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Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Y’all ready for this
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”