Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
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Emperor Sleepoleon, we urge you to change your name to appear less lazy to your people.
Oui, I shall dial it back, BUT ONLY SLIGHTLY
Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
These people are putting up ‘Lost Parrot’ signs for the sake of their kids, but you’d think they’d place them higher for other birds to see.
Found my bra in the garden. Wish it was from wild sex but I think my cat dragged it out the cat flap.
I don’t mind not being everyone’s cup of tea because ‘Everyone’s cup of tea’ seems unsanitary
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Computer: do you want to save the changes?
Me: I….I didn’t make any changes…OMG DID I MAKE CHANGES
I remember the first time I saw my girlfriend, her hair was blowing in the wind, but she was too proud to run after it.