@_ElvishPresley_

Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW

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@CAshmanActor

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

@NicestHippo

Emperor Sleepoleon, we urge you to change your name to appear less lazy to your people.
Oui, I shall dial it back, BUT ONLY SLIGHTLY

@Heather2Go

Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.

@BlindChow

“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*

@Beardson

These people are putting up ‘Lost Parrot’ signs for the sake of their kids, but you’d think they’d place them higher for other birds to see.

@TrickleVaryTea

Found my bra in the garden. Wish it was from wild sex but I think my cat dragged it out the cat flap.

@dugglebutt

I don’t mind not being everyone’s cup of tea because ‘Everyone’s cup of tea’ seems unsanitary

@JohnLyonTweets

Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.

@TheMichaelRock

Computer: do you want to save the changes?

Me: I….I didn’t make any changes…OMG DID I MAKE CHANGES

@SoAnyway1

I remember the first time I saw my girlfriend, her hair was blowing in the wind, but she was too proud to run after it.