Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!

Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”

Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK

BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern

Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?

Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone

A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”

Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”

did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.

The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.

When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction

Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad

Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.

Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*

5: how many numbers do you love me?

Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much

5: aw I love you 24

No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom

“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”

Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.

If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”

This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.

Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?

Me: oh definitely Star Wars

Them: ……

Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away

Me: it’s also my favorite historical film

Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!

Band: *plays Freebird*

Me: Well that backfired.

BOSS: this is our mortician, david

ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite

DAVID:

ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?

DAVID:

ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ