@tracietom

Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred

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@JTQuest

Men think of arguments as single isolated events. Women, in my experience, think of them as installments in some sort of perpetual continuum

@InternetHippo

Exhausted therapist just pointing to where he wrote “YOUR CHOICES” on a chalkboard with an arrow to where he wrote “CONSEQUENCES” and I’m staring at him and tilting my head like a dog

@EndhooS

Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]

@CantWaitToNap

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.

@pixelatedboat

“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not

@kumailn

It’s fine to eat chicken with skin but serve beef with skin and everybody just starts freaking out.

@awordforaword

“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”

~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions