Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
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Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.