Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred

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Men think of arguments as single isolated events. Women, in my experience, think of them as installments in some sort of perpetual continuum


Exhausted therapist just pointing to where he wrote “YOUR CHOICES” on a chalkboard with an arrow to where he wrote “CONSEQUENCES” and I’m staring at him and tilting my head like a dog


Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
[Priest faints]


When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.


“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not


It’s fine to eat chicken with skin but serve beef with skin and everybody just starts freaking out.


“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”

~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions