Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is

According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.

This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old

I won every fight in 1st grade.

Not because I was tough, because I was 13.

4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.

if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.

Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.

[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*

So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.

But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?

Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.

Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.

I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.

Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.

*demon enters my body

*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL

to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead

Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..

This all goes a lot faster in the movies.

Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box

boss: can i see you in my office

me: [sheathing sword] why

Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’

Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.

As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.

I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.

Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.

[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one