Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
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The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Received some very disappointing news today
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?
Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry