Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.

Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”

Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”

6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream

Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think

I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex

And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double

She: I like Cats
He:

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1553312837145350144/pu/vid/592x1052/LWfsm_aPdIbjQnQM.mp4?tag=12

[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up

Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.

“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.

There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you

waiter: did you enjoy your meal

me: honestly not really

waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.

If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.

[engineer looking at blueprints]

“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”

Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community

Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!

Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me

What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

*gets on 1 knee*

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?

Her: Please get off my knee

My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?

Pac-Man: *deep breath*

I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth

[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night