Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.

[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already

How to wake up a Beagle

Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees

“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”

I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.

*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.

Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.

I mean…but I did

Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!

remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate

I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.

I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store

Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey

Me: Tonight?

Her: Yes

[After the movie]

Her: OMG that was so hot!

Me: Mom, please just stop talking

So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.

*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??

When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.

But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.

The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.

interviewer: describe yourself in one word

me: great listener

My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…

Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.

The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good

Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳

I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered

[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.