Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
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Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
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My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.