me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
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[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
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ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.