me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
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Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
My wife has the worst taste in men.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Realize this:
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.