Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.

never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement

I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.

I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up

DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?

The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”

Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.

It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime

Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…

If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.

i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)

Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had

I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake

Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.

I have taken up painting

If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher

The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?

I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.

I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me

[Quarantine]

Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.

Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?

Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES

*eats only grass-fed donuts

I’m doing the lords work (judging)