Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
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People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
dutch so unserious
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
I fixed it. For me
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy