Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
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I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
screw you