Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

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A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.


*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*


ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*


Kid wants to sit at table, isn’t tall enough
Him: U threw them out saying, who the hell uses phone books?


Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.


I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.


Well well well if it isn’t my old nemesis, long division.


“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”