Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.

*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!

me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger

tger: give it back

My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”

Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”

ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.

WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.

friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back

me: oh wow me too

[meanwhile]

Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7

If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.

[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”

A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.

[itsy bitsy spider diary]

Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.

(First date with a Chinese girl)

Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?

Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…

[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”

shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie

Unexpected Judgment

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid

Sesame Street: this is an educational show

Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that

Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one

😂

[waterloo]

napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing

general: yea

napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?

In marriage, there are two conversations:

The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.

Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”

Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.

It’s the new Audi Torium.