Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*

Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.

Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:

Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’

Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’

Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell

If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”

Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.

KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.

I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.

A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.

Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.

Anyway he’s dead now.

Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.

The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.

A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.

i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]

Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go

There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.

I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.

Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”

A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.

This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.

Story time

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”