Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
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The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start