Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.

Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.

me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds

realtor: that just means it’s settling

my fiancee: *creaky sounds*

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”

First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.

HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually

A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.

waitress: are there any allergies at this table?

me, already drunk: POLLEN

I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?

sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.

I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro

*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*

Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.

New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”

[In Bed]

Her: You feeling spicy tonight?

Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.

This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣

Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out

Random person: Did you try searching the internet?

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.

[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’

[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.

Babe, you’re just perfect for me

Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man

We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.

Another interesting #factupdates post!