Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.

Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?

Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?

Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*

I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.

BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.

ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink

OCTOPUS: Oh hey

I’m like the mafia to my son.

He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.

[bank robbery]

Me: this is a hold up

[later at the police station]

Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?

Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station

me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]

wife: how did the interview go?!

me: terrible

wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?

me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster

‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.

Ooo! The morning weather girl…

Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.

A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.

[2015 Bird Awards]

AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN

(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)

On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂

Kid: Everything poops?

Me: Kinda

K: Trees don’t poop

M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen

K: So we’re breathing tree poop?

M:

K:

M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks

ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake

BOSS: Getting easier

[meeting]

Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children

Demon in the back: I have the soy latte

If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.

😁

dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn

love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.

I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.