Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.

We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace

If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.

Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.

This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!

“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names

My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.

I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead

I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.

Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers

i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github

Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.

Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.

H: …

Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.

If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store

everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades

Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!

*signing divorce papers*

Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*

Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.

Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.

Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.

Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?

Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.

one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by