Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
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bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Living every minute with impostor syndrome anxiety, dreading the day the other librarians discover I don’t have any cats or any cardigans.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.