Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
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Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
North and South
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
the official breakfast of 2021
