Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
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DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
synchronized noseblowing
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.