Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
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There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one
clerk: do you have a baby
me: would you accept cash instead
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it