People say love is the best feeling in the world, but I think finding a toilet when you have diarrhea is better.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
You Might Also Like
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
If I have learned anything in life it’s don’t throw away your fat clothes
I think I’ll go to church this morning. I need to repent all my sins & pray for the neighbors wife to covet me.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Wife: I am going to London, what gift do you want?
Husband: One British girl.
*wife returns from London*
Husband: Where is my gift?
Wife: Wait for nine months.🙂
Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn’t kill the dinosaurs. I’ve been to the museum. It’s obvious they starved to death.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.