Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands

Therapist: You too?

Me: [screams]

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People say love is the best feeling in the world, but I think finding a toilet when you have diarrhea is better.


When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2


WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try


If I have learned anything in life it’s don’t throw away your fat clothes


I think I’ll go to church this morning. I need to repent all my sins & pray for the neighbors wife to covet me.


Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’


Wife: I am going to London, what gift do you want?

Husband: One British girl.

*wife returns from London*

Husband: Where is my gift?

Wife: Wait for nine months.🙂


Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn’t kill the dinosaurs. I’ve been to the museum. It’s obvious they starved to death.


Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.