Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
You Might Also Like
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
dream blunt rotation
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?