Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
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that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake