Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

Guy about to invent balloons:

I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!

Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?

“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever

dryer: permanent press

me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.

drunk god: land clouds

angel: those are sheep

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.

Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.

Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *reads a book* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *starts to sing*

D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*

Me: Man, I should have started with that.

The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.

starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.

To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing

OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases

Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.

what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs

While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems

A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.

I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero

If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

Me: preferably over some type of heat source

Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.

Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary

Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.

Kids: Where?

Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.

Kids: WHERE!

Me: He’s picking up our car.

Kids: WHERE?!?

Me: He’s hurling us through the air.

Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!

Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?

Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?

Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?

if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them

6yo: *non stop talking*

Me: *tells 6yo to go read*

6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*

How old do I look?

9yo: 30

Aww, you deserve ice crea-

9yo: Just like grandma

-m but too bad you’re not getting any

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

Weirdos gonna weird.

I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad

do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way