Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches

The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.

[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases

How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!

I aspire to be birds

Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars

“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life

Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.

Woman: I’m a penguin.

Therapist: No, I meant lie down.

Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.

Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign

Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*

My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..

….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up

Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.

Moon: *throws shade*

I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.

my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it

Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements

Officer: oh no

Hostage: oh no

Kool Aid Man: OH Y

If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.

I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”

Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.

Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill

“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”

A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.