Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
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Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.