Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*trying a new meal*

Wife: how do you like it?

Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when

Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.

I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….

Hold on…Imma need a calculator.

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES

6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??

Me: copies of what?

6 year old: money

– kidsplaining counterfeiting

I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.

Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!

For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.

*steps on a spider*

I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.

I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.

If you have joint pain..

You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.

9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to treat grizzly bears unless it’s been given a STRONG anesthetic, proving true the old adage that…

There’s safety in numb-bears.

You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?

That’s me, looking for hotdogs.

[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?

if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies

me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.

Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked

Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.

Good luck with my paper jam, next person.

Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal

“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.