Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at an interview]

Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?

Me: I get along well with others

Interviewer: your greatest weakness?

Me: I use a lot of duct tape

ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*

*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.

“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok

i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe

Maybe I’m delusional, but I swear this train is following me.

I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.

If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.

– Things I have to say to my mom

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.

Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?

My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.

WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man

[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.

I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.

relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing

“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”

Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now

Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).

“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”

me: hey, you wanna get outta here?

museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue

lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”

suspect: what?

lawyer: no further questions your honor

I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.

I think she said something about listening too.

Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.