Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.

TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going

“Band? We thought you said ban”

TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?

One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”

COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.

Photobombing Giraffe 😅

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog:

I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.

I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

I apologise if I offended you.

And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.

to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.

[after divorce]

I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.

Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.

Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark

My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.

Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.

Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!

Me: *sets bag on fire*

I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you

next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom

Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you

We have ants and tonight at dinner:

My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?

3yo: I can.

Me: No, humans can’t smell it.

3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

[At check-out] *gets out credit card*

Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?

Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.

We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.