Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
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The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.