Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired

Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday

*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday

Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message

What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms

“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?

Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”

13: I found a baggie of pot.

M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.

Things that alarm my 5yo

Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick

Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt

Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce

If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.

Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.

If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.

a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.

[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]

There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.

“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark

Who comes up with this kinda stuff

My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.

I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.

Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?

Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”

This is a funeral. Show some respect.

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”

date: what are you thinking about

me: fall should be spelled fa//

date:

me:

date: fell should be spelled fe_ _

*we kiss*

Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.

Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite

Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before

Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

[camping]

“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.

I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.

“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?

My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest wea-

Me: Interrupting people.