Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
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Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Feels like the fourth month in January
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything