what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
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After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*