Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
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Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.