Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
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I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Would make a brilliant taxi driver
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it