Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?

Because he had gnocchi

*quietly waits for the reply guys

I met my wife on Tinder.!

*After 4 months of marriage

Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.

*pets unicorn*

You’re how old?

*does quick math in head*

Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!

-justifying a bad decision with math

[polygraph test]

Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?

Me: Committed, or been caught?

Tester: …

Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.

*needle goes crazy*

fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me

[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t

It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST

I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.

Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.

Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.

Me: No.

Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!

Me: Please stop.

Body: Itchy back!

Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.

Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.

catch me on valentine’s day like

The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.

ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside

BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot

Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.

Me: we can’t climb on this

My Kid: the older kids are climbing too

Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to

My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read

Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*

Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.

I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake

Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.

Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!

cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?

me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.