Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
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Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.