Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.

Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!

My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

Schrödinger’s cookie

Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.

Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.

I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.

doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …

Me: give it to me straight doc what is it

doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password

*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*

1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know

Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.

Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra

I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.

Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.

If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”

Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”

My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.

If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.

Getting married soon just need a spouse

You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.

The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.

Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.

Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?

if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there

“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”

– every stoplight

Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.

Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.

Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.

[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]