Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu

DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight

KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?

DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea

[tearing off our clothes]

Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.

*kicks flip-flop through her TV*

I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.

The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up

Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*

Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here

Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw

[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”

Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.

Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”

Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.

Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?

If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name

I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.

9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?

Me: (pause) Europe.

I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything

Her: are you almost done?

Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page

Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago

my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”

A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.

Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for

Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.

I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.

scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit

I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.

Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?

Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?

Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.

Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*

Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*

House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*

Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting

“I never trust anything from the government!”

*uses highways