Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.

[Giving directions in America]

Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th

[Directions in England]

Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest

I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.

Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.

Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!

all toddlers look the same when telling a story

Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.

I eat salads because you can’t just drink ranch dressing

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow

“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”

Me: 46 and out of shape

Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket

Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.

I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”

since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

her: I like a confident man

me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire

TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.

[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]

Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.

My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.

My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?

Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no

Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you

You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.

The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.

seashell: [holding me to its ear]

me: [making city noises]

this chia pet tastes awful

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.