Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
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Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
🐟✨ #re4
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors