Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
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[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t