Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
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i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
one of
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”