me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
They’re called werewolves.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
Me: Alexa, play music
Cop: where do you think you are?
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
