me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
