me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Happy thanksgiving
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
The woke left? Without saying goodbye?
might go to prison so i can focus on the gym properly
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
He refuses to bathe without the Melon
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
